Automatic Pilot Marriage
Is your marriage on automatic pilot? Is your life on auto pilot? You move through the hours, days, months and years without really seeing what’s really going on. You get to where you’re going…….. you arrive at your destinations but what about the journey you took to get there. This is especially relevant to our marriages and family life.
I’m sure if you’re a driver you know the feeling of getting somewhere but not remembering anything you saw along the way or amazed that you arrived without even thinking about it. People call it trance driving. While for driving that could prove to be a real dangerous thing sometimes but for our lives and the people we purport to cherish it can prove costly and devoid of so much meaning. How much of the important times in our marriage do we miss?
Where did all the time go? We often ask ourselves at special events when we are struck with the reality of the years and the changes in people. We see our children all of a sudden grown up. We see the weather on ourselves and our spouses when we look in the mirror or just take a second to look at our lives and the people we love.
I went to a class about communication which urged the attendees to get involved in some time of meditation or reflective process. I’m not one of those who have ever really wanted to get involved in meditation, but was struck with the benefits of taking time out to stop and take a look especially at my spouse and children.
I learned the way to do this was through some deliberate “mindful practice” of interrupting the “trance like travel” that the grind keeps pushing us along the moving sidewalk.
I’ve lived in the Washington D.C. Metro are all my life and I am struck by how much I just don’t see of this majestic and beautiful city which attracts millions of tourists each year. The reason really is I am so caught up in the grind…… I’m on auto pilot.
So find yourself a “Mindful practice” you can do every day whether it’s a meditation practice or one of your own creation.
Take a second to just stand and stare at your spouse and family. They might ask you what you’re staring at, as it makes them uncomfortable. Assure them that you’re taking a moment to interrupt the meaningless grind to relish and cherish the things that are really important to you..Tell them by all means tell them why and how much they truly means to you.
Whether you stop the busy bus to look back or take a meaningful look along the way it won’t be hard for you to realize the true blessings that have been given to you.
Auto pilot switch turned off for this trip now…… Please feel free to enjoy the scenery, clarity, insight and what really matters. Enjoy the sights………..
ZEV
Comments are always encouraged and valued.
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Good Faith Marital Intervention
You just want your marriage to work. Your disagreeing, fighting and withdrawing from each other. You still want your marriage to work out already because your worn out and getting tired of trying. What you two need is a Good Faith Intervention.
Good faith really can go a long way. Good faith is a restart button. It requires that you both put your lists and agendas aside for a bit and focus on growing some good faith in your marriage by following through on 1-2 good faith efforts. When the smoke clears all we really have is our good faith.
Zev what are you talking about? I’ve tried to show good faith so many times, it’s him/her that hasn’t or won’t. I hear this a lot. It’s natural to want to be the one that’s right which makes the other wrong. Well being right a happy marriage between two people with unmet needs and concerns doesn’t make.
So as we move through the dog days of summer, I challenge you both to establish a good faith pact in preparation for post labor day challenges we all experience. This is between the two of you. Carve out a little space and let your spouse know one thing that they could do for you which would translate into a good faith effort. Let them know how much you would appreciate it and then as the commercial we all know says…. just do it!
Remember this is something separate from the way you have been acting to each other. Make some elbow room between all the anger, resentment, apathy and withdrawal and follow through on a good faith effort. Call me once a day …Rub my forehead when we go to sleep or are sitting watching the tube…….Help me with the kids……help me clean……give me a little time to myself so I can get something done. Something doable… something you both can accomplish for each other. Something that feels and translates to good faith.
Go ahead you two push the restart button. It’s the one marked “Good Faith” on the dial.
Zev
If you need some help please check out two resources:
http://rechargeyourmarriagenow.com/coaching/
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/recharge-your-marriage-show/id996275772?mt=2
This form is currently undergoing maintenance. Please try again later.I Like It When You …….
A successful marriage requires doing some things for our spouses. One of them is the ability to listen when your spouse loved one tells you they like it when you do something for them. That something could be a collaborative act you do to support or help out..It could be things that you say…It could be your presence felt strongly in their life.
It can be silent, verbal physical but most Importantly it’s something that your spouse really enjoys enough to put out there as a “I Like it when You” are doing something for them that improves their life. Someone else could do the same thing for them but what makes this unique is they like it when YOU, yes meaning you is involved, present and real.
So here’s a thought…Instead of reaching in the darkness to try and please our partners why not embrace the practice of doing something that your spouse actually tells you they like. Not profound but I know you can get some traction from this in your marriage.
So let’s get in the habit of communicating a few “I like it when’s” a week. If it’s something difficult for you to accommodate for your spouse let them know it’s difficult. Perhaps you can do something else meanwhile and keep your eye on finding a way to meet that need.
I like it when you say……..
I like it when we spend time…….
I like it when you touch me Hug me………
and I’ll let you both develop your own list.
It appears to me that a couple who involves themselves in the practice of informative communication will find some or many of their core marriage needs met resulting in a deeper more fulfilling connection with each other.
So try this focused communication exercise out and see where it goes.
I REALLY like it when you’re living in happier marriages! I REALLY do!
Zev
Check out the Recharge Your Marriage Show in ITunes
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/recharge-your-marriage-show/id996275772?mt=2
Managing Marital Expectations
Life and married life have a way of dripping one day… month….. year into another. What happens without at least a little expectations management can often turn out like the finger-paint picture we did as children. The pictures were fabulous with lovely lines and brilliant colors going round and round and all over the place. They were masterpieces.
But a marriage conducted without a bit of joint planning and expectations management can often result in confusion and disappointment. This turns marriage into a status quo which reacts harshly to negative issues which emerge rather than a power of two enterprise which is proactive and mutually gratifying. Sounds easy enough to do a little planning for eventualities. Not always so easy.
So why don’t we find many married couples conferring pow- wow style about what’s going on with each other, what each partner could do to contribute and improve the marital climate. Many marriages find great difficulty in even mentioning expectations for fear of condemnation, hostile flare ups and it’s messy consequences. And you know what…. Who can blame them. If quiet keeps the household peace well disappointment is better than marital discord.
Just a suggestion here. Practice Practice & Practice. Many of us weren’t taught how to communicate our marital expectations in a way that brings relationship enhancing results. So even if the investment in communicating expectations is difficult it can reap mutually fulfilling results. It just takes practice.
So start by taking the temperature of your marriage and see if you’re meeting each other’s needs and expectations. Try to be proactive and join together in managing marital expectations and enjoying the positive benefits and outcome of your mutual effort. At least you’ll find out what’s really going on if you’re both brave enough to try.
ZEV
Recapture Your Intimate Memories
Think back to some of your intimate memories and first times. Some of them were just so hot. Well, hop aboard those memories and perhaps they will help you reignite the flame of passion in your marriage
Recapturing your intimate memories can be a real jump start to get you back into a some kind of lovemaking routine. So give that brain of yours a look back and see what the fireworks were about!
Wishing you a nice ride aboard your hot and stimulating memories.
Love your feedback!
Zev